First Words

The boys are in Kindergarten. David is really anxious to write. He knows all the letters, how to form them and now he's sounding them out to do the job. His first three words? the first three he's written without any help at all?

poop
booger
google

There you have it people. I wonder what that third word is going to mean 10 or 20 or 100 years from now?

David Says

last two nights, we've been out driving. daylight savings is sort of fun for nighttime experiences because through the summer, they go to sleep right as the sun sets. it's been a crescent moon. David asked why and i went on to explain the phases of the moon. kid version. told them to watch the moon and see how it becomes slowly bigger and the full and the smaller and then disappears...yadda yadda. they were quiet. listening. then i stopped talking because i was sure they had checked out from the backseat and were no longer interested.

then david says, "i know why it does that. the darkness just takes a bite out of the moon."

i liked his explanation much better than mine.

one man's junk is another man's toys.....

I walk into the boys room and see that Wyatt has just about emptied the toy box onto his bed. i point down to the pile.

"hey, what's all this junk!"

Wyatt quick as a flash yanks down his pants, grabs his nuts and says, "No mommy, this my junk. Those are my toys!"

and now ya know.

If You are Thinking About Having Kids.....

This landed in my email box this AM. i have no idea who the author is, but it's brilliant

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and
overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have
all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
room from 5PM-10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)
playing loudly.
2. Eat cold food with one hand for dinner
3. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep.
4. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
5. Set the alarm for 3AM.
6. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM, make a drink and
watch an infomercial.
7. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
8. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
9. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work
hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful
and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons.

How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with
your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can
find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent
choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely
take more than one goat.

1. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
2. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney,
Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but
PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know,
you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly.
(Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy';
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car everywhereyou go for the next four years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while
playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is
a child in the room

search strings

Have you ever paid attention to the dropdown list of search strings when typing something into Google? it's slightly entertaining and a sad commentary on life as we surf it.

right back at cha...

ring back tones need to be outlawed....if i have to listen to another distorted, tinny, jacked up, piece of crap song when simply placing a call, i'm going to be forced to sing really loudly and off key (like there is any other way i sing) for two minutes solid into the ear of the owner of said ring back tone.

i think it's only fair.

if only this were true

Maybe it's my proximity to Manhattan Beach...maybe it's my lack of sleep this week but oh....did i laugh myself silly over this one.

Happy New Year....

My New Years resolution is to dedicate more time updating this blog.....

starting tomorrow.

and now for our next number....

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die