all families are special

yesterday on Oprah, the show hosted several adults conceived by donated sperm. my twins are the product of that science. needless to say, it brought up a swirl of different and slightly unexpected emotions for me. the decision to use donated sperm rather than a known donor (oh i have the most excellent male friends) was one of the most difficult decisions i've made in my lifetime. it wasn't my first choice. but i'll get to that some other time....

the show was well done, i think, although the producers did a good job justifying the argument that all donor conceived long for the biological connection that is lacking. i say that because the opposite was not represented and i know those people exist. i came away from that show feeling primarily grateful that my boys have each other and that i have made a connection with two SMC families so they will have other siblings available if or when they feel the need to reach out for what is not obviously present (but present inside them all the time).

what i was stuck with today, however, came out of a conversation i had with some friends that are also a same sex couple with a daughter by anonymous donor. their reaction was quite the opposite. they are not interested in the donor registry nor are they going to actively pursue any relationship even that of a simple exchange of contact information for future use. this puzzles me on many levels. so i pushed further to find they are, simply put, afraid of stuff. what that stuff is exactly, i wasn't able to tease out, but what words they used were along the lines of...."afraid of confusing our daughter"..."we want her to know we are her family"..."the donor is in no way a father, dad or participant in any way and we see it as more along the lines of someone donating blood"..."and thus, these other kids are not what we consider brothers or sisters because that is something else to us". one even went so far as to tell me that if she were the wife of someone that had donated sperm in college, she would absolutely not allow her husband to have contact with the "product of that". her feeling is that it would take away from their potential children and the attention he would need to devote to them. however, they did say that when their daughter was an adult, she could pursue any contact she wanted because it would be her decision. hmmmm. okay, i can sort of appreciate tiny bits of some of that but something didn't feel right about our conversation.....

now keep in mind, i have yet to see a program about donor offspring meeting their biological father and the kids reaction being that of regret or distain. i have only known people that have been raised, or ignored or abandoned and have reckoned from early on that their father was a disgusting jackass...somehow in my mind, the sperm banks are getting pretty good at screening for jackass tendencies...but i digress...

here's my gig: every day seems to be a practice in living for me. today, i'm reminded of how much it takes to not operate in fear. to resist the darkside. to live in the light that is love, and acceptance and inclusion and celebration of all things surrounding that. i want my boys to know they are loved and that my partner and i will always be the foundation of family for them. i hope that they will feel the same. it is within that hope i wish to do my best to model these values. i will do my best to keep both my mind and my heart open to people that by my direct effort or mere folly find their way into our lives. the human heart has infinite capacity for love, both given and received. there is always going to be enough to go around....