I walk into the boys room and see that Wyatt has just about emptied the toy box onto his bed. i point down to the pile.
"hey, what's all this junk!"
Wyatt quick as a flash yanks down his pants, grabs his nuts and says, "No mommy, this my junk. Those are my toys!"
and now ya know.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Ostara is in the air....
[claps wildly at the empty room]
"okay parents, listen up"
....enough with the bags of little plastic crap from the 99 cent store and candy at every birthday party. they have a way of magically vanishing before we hit the door home.
just sayin'
and i'm still pissed at the mom that decided a ball point pen was a good idea for valentines day. my
boys managed to open the bag in the car and uncapped that sucker with ninja precision. scribbled the seats and themselves silly...and yes, all in the three minutes it takes to get home.
we hosted our first friends party not too long ago. i decided to take action. set an example. fuck! it ended up being a three day project and i don't have that kind of time. still proud of it though. started with a dare. make something. make something biodegradable. make something biodegradable AND fun....and cute...and kidlike. bring it, momma.....
so i give you what was probably close to the original chia pet. i took some little seedling pots (20 at the 99 cent store)
and painted little faces.
i bought a bag of bare spot grass seed. it's hardy stuff...grows quickly and is cheap. then i found little envelopes and Michaels. probably the most expensive thing on project. made a little drawing on the front with instructions on the back.
we then took soil and wrapped it up in purple tissue paper, placing it in the pot. i also included some sunflower seeds in a packet as an added bonus. all were put in a brown paper bag decorated by my 73 year old mother. it was nice to sit around the table doing crafts with my mom....can't remember the last time we did that.
quick side story to this: My boys have school friends now, and they went to their first friend party before this project came to be. we live in a tiny house right up next to one of the wealthiest areas in CA. the party was in this palatial residence of a school friend on "the hill". the playhouse in the backyard was nicer than ours (so i asked the mom is she was interested in renting it) they hired a balloon animal person (is there a name for that person?), had a humongous bouncy house and if we had stayed more than the 45 minutes i was willing to endure, i'm quite certain lunch was catered. it was weird. intimidating.
our party was two days later....however, we threw down at a funny little conservatory called Wilderness Park. it's lovely and has several big ponds with ducks, turtles and a stream that shuts off at 10pm. plenty of campsites for rent either day use or overnight. the park ranger is well, functionally retarded but pleasant. because i'm so annoyed by the shear volume of primary colored plastic in my house, and i didn't want to spend money on more crap for other kids, we made these. i appointed my favorite lesbian to man the grill and we served hot dogs, pizza, apples and apple sauce, trail mix and juice/water...oh, and because the camp sites have power, we had kick ass coffee and water for cocoa or tea. i got some fish/duck food in bulk from barney fife and put it in little cups. okay, so want to know the greatest part? the kids had a blast. they ran all over the place, got filthy dirty, over fed the ducks to their delight, reeked of fish for the rest of the day and when the cake came out, they swarmed and they all stuck their grubby little fingers in it. i was tempted to scrap the forks altogether and let them have at it.....
back to this project....i need to include instructions because i didn't want sunflower seeds going into little pots and while it all made sense to me, it might not to someone else. given what i've just said, my best friend Cate says quick as a flash, "might want to put them in Spanish"...
"okay parents, listen up"
....enough with the bags of little plastic crap from the 99 cent store and candy at every birthday party. they have a way of magically vanishing before we hit the door home.
just sayin'
and i'm still pissed at the mom that decided a ball point pen was a good idea for valentines day. my
boys managed to open the bag in the car and uncapped that sucker with ninja precision. scribbled the seats and themselves silly...and yes, all in the three minutes it takes to get home.we hosted our first friends party not too long ago. i decided to take action. set an example. fuck! it ended up being a three day project and i don't have that kind of time. still proud of it though. started with a dare. make something. make something biodegradable. make something biodegradable AND fun....and cute...and kidlike. bring it, momma.....
so i give you what was probably close to the original chia pet. i took some little seedling pots (20 at the 99 cent store)
and painted little faces.
i bought a bag of bare spot grass seed. it's hardy stuff...grows quickly and is cheap. then i found little envelopes and Michaels. probably the most expensive thing on project. made a little drawing on the front with instructions on the back.
we then took soil and wrapped it up in purple tissue paper, placing it in the pot. i also included some sunflower seeds in a packet as an added bonus. all were put in a brown paper bag decorated by my 73 year old mother. it was nice to sit around the table doing crafts with my mom....can't remember the last time we did that.
quick side story to this: My boys have school friends now, and they went to their first friend party before this project came to be. we live in a tiny house right up next to one of the wealthiest areas in CA. the party was in this palatial residence of a school friend on "the hill". the playhouse in the backyard was nicer than ours (so i asked the mom is she was interested in renting it) they hired a balloon animal person (is there a name for that person?), had a humongous bouncy house and if we had stayed more than the 45 minutes i was willing to endure, i'm quite certain lunch was catered. it was weird. intimidating.our party was two days later....however, we threw down at a funny little conservatory called Wilderness Park. it's lovely and has several big ponds with ducks, turtles and a stream that shuts off at 10pm. plenty of campsites for rent either day use or overnight. the park ranger is well, functionally retarded but pleasant. because i'm so annoyed by the shear volume of primary colored plastic in my house, and i didn't want to spend money on more crap for other kids, we made these. i appointed my favorite lesbian to man the grill and we served hot dogs, pizza, apples and apple sauce, trail mix and juice/water...oh, and because the camp sites have power, we had kick ass coffee and water for cocoa or tea. i got some fish/duck food in bulk from barney fife and put it in little cups. okay, so want to know the greatest part? the kids had a blast. they ran all over the place, got filthy dirty, over fed the ducks to their delight, reeked of fish for the rest of the day and when the cake came out, they swarmed and they all stuck their grubby little fingers in it. i was tempted to scrap the forks altogether and let them have at it.....
back to this project....i need to include instructions because i didn't want sunflower seeds going into little pots and while it all made sense to me, it might not to someone else. given what i've just said, my best friend Cate says quick as a flash, "might want to put them in Spanish"...
it's late and i'm punchy....
boingboing had an interesting bit about photoshop f-ups that led me to bookmark this blog: photoshop disasters
this photo is horrendous but the caption is what makes it just so.
"By renormalizing the model's waistline, Maxim Mexico takes a bold socio-political stance in the ongoing battle of the politics of representation, clearly referencing the oppressive reification of male-gaze heteronormative modes of synthesis in a semiotic blancmange of post-structural teakettle barbecue hatstand fishmonger."
direct link
this photo is horrendous but the caption is what makes it just so.
"By renormalizing the model's waistline, Maxim Mexico takes a bold socio-political stance in the ongoing battle of the politics of representation, clearly referencing the oppressive reification of male-gaze heteronormative modes of synthesis in a semiotic blancmange of post-structural teakettle barbecue hatstand fishmonger."
direct link
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
If You are Thinking About Having Kids.....
This landed in my email box this AM. i have no idea who the author is, but it's brilliant
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and
overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have
all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
room from 5PM-10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)
playing loudly.
2. Eat cold food with one hand for dinner
3. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep.
4. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
5. Set the alarm for 3AM.
6. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM, make a drink and
watch an infomercial.
7. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
8. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
9. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work
hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful
and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons.
How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with
your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can
find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent
choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely
take more than one goat.
1. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
2. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney,
Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but
PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know,
you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly.
(Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy';
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car everywhereyou go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while
playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is
a child in the room
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and
overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have
all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
room from 5PM-10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)
playing loudly.
2. Eat cold food with one hand for dinner
3. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep.
4. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
5. Set the alarm for 3AM.
6. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM, make a drink and
watch an infomercial.
7. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
8. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
9. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work
hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful
and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons.
How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with
your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can
find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent
choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely
take more than one goat.
1. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
2. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney,
Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but
PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know,
you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly.
(Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy';
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car everywhereyou go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while
playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is
a child in the room
Thursday, January 29, 2009
search strings
Have you ever paid attention to the dropdown list of search strings when typing something into Google? it's slightly entertaining and a sad commentary on life as we surf it.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
arts & crafts....
We have been sick for the entirety of winter so far. that is the price we pay for attending pre-school. they say by kindergarten, they will have super immunity. right now, it just sucks.
the best thing about pre-school in my book is teaching my wee boys how to sit around a table and do arts & crafts. i could not master this alone before (my boys have my dreadfully short attention span, you see).
Days like today when the rain is falling and they have exhausted every single disney DVD over the course of this winter-O-sickness, we sit around the table with stacks of construction paper, crayons, paints, stickers and sometimes homemade playdoh. i am the mom that plasters her fridge with all these fabulous works of art. The creativity spills out to other things as well. the power of observation...so amazing in these wee beans. today wyatt was playing with is Mr. Potato Head collection (there is mr. carrot, yam and corn too).
He says, "Hey mommy, look. it's Nana!"
the best thing about pre-school in my book is teaching my wee boys how to sit around a table and do arts & crafts. i could not master this alone before (my boys have my dreadfully short attention span, you see).
Days like today when the rain is falling and they have exhausted every single disney DVD over the course of this winter-O-sickness, we sit around the table with stacks of construction paper, crayons, paints, stickers and sometimes homemade playdoh. i am the mom that plasters her fridge with all these fabulous works of art. The creativity spills out to other things as well. the power of observation...so amazing in these wee beans. today wyatt was playing with is Mr. Potato Head collection (there is mr. carrot, yam and corn too).
He says, "Hey mommy, look. it's Nana!"
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